THE AFFECTATION - Overcoming Shame and Removing The Mask
By Chuma
A homosexual boy suffers through the cruel taunting and ostracization of his peers. Rejection from the church, parental expectations and machismo hetero paradigms caused him to reinvent himself and pretend to be someone he wasn't. Told through a cohesive chronology of poems, prose, screenplays, and memoirs, this book tackles abuse, degradation, and the beautiful triumph of discovering self-love.
A MEMORY NOT LIKE THIS
I can still feel the fingerprint of his audacity
violating me
eleven years old
ambushed in the back of school auditorium
by classmate all of eleven
overgrown
having the colossal appearance of handsome seventeen
strong holding me against the wall
hand barricaded over my mouth
enslaving my voice
fingers in my back
entering my exit
entering my exit
entering my exit
hating what I liked
liking what I hated
confused
callow
helpless
submissive to his disrespect that was unyielding to my fears which aroused him as I tried to slither free from his domination that turned him on and turned me off and on as I felt the pain of his fondling pleasure inside of my absence longing to be filled but
not like this
not like this
not like this
feeling spine-tingling jolts as his tongue ran along my lips while he rubbed his stony virility against my shame because I reveled in what he was doing and what I was feeling and didn't want to feel trapped
between the rock of his hard place
and the softness of my heart
wanting to scream help
wanting to whisper continue
confounded
tasting his curiosity
smelling his infraction that seeped through his pores
pouring onto my vulnerability
poisoning my permission
to let the future get close to me
because
his hands molested
my past
HEROIC FATHER for Lester, my father and rescuer
I once told my lover
that I would be devastated without him
Perhaps my future was foretold
because...
I became lover forsaken
Beloved forlorn
Heartbroken at best
Reduced to lifeless soul
Insipid heart
My mind was crestfallen
to say the least
Defrauded of a flagship love
once ample with honor and noble intention
voyaging on the seas of romance and adventure.
Once led by a squadron of devotion and faithfulness
deployed in my blood of dignity.
Once cardinal with a fleet of passion and loyalty
pulsing in my heart of courageousness.
I was an admiral
a commander
a leader
Robbed of my captainship by
rejection's treason.
It was an uprising
mutiny on the bounty of love
plundered of my rank and duty
disavowed by the angry crew in his blood
I was held captive by the buccaneer of his heart.
He stripped me of my emotions
tied my hands with ropes of suffering and betrayal
and shanghaied the relationship
that was once our crusade across the world.
It was a beautiful passage
sailing on freedom's ocean
standing proud and sovereign
hand and hand on the deck of life
feeling cool winds of peace finger across our faces
making love to the warm touch of sun
that deemed us a convoy of love.
But that love became a memory
estranged and overthrown
to the sharks of rejection
an abandonment undeserving
an anchoring of heinous contempt
which was a subversion unforgivable.
My heart felt brutally harpooned
My soul was savagely seized
like a ship gone awry
leaving me frightened
confounded
defeated
as if my life was suddenly drowned.
And he
Pirate of deceived passions
made me a place in a lifeboat without life
lowered me into waters of departure
as his back stared me with face of ostracism
while I floated away into uncertainty.
I became lost at sea
afloat under cloudy sky and dark future
adrift amongst depression and heartache
as the hypothermia of hopelessness settled in my bones.
I became emaciated
from regurgitating my fear
and being without any feast of courage.
The despair was just too much to bear
wanted suicide to push me overboard
drown my loneliness
and swallow me 20,000 leagues into my grave.
It seemed like my only refuge
my only choice
because rescue was just too far away.
And I was ready
Ready to meet my fate
Ready to end my destiny
when I heard the sound of possibility
navigating through impervious waters
forging its way to me
to save me
redeem me
salvage what was left of me.
But I was too far gone
too lost in despair
to be grateful for this coast guard
this soldier
this veteran
known as my father.
Yes, my own father!
He had found me drifting aimlessly
on the ripples of my own pitiful gloom
reached out to me
pulled me onto his boat
and made a place for me in his embrace.
But I was too far gone
too lost in despair
to realize that he felt the S.O.S. of my spirit
that I had been rescued
from the undercurrents of uncertainty
and redeemed into a chance of renewal.
Even his love could not replace the love I had lost.
I was numb
Cold
The hypothermia of rejection lingered in my veins
Daddy placed blanket of consolation over me
but still I did not warm to his concern.
When he queried my despair
wanted to know how I became adrift
I kept my voyage confidential
Never told him
Never allowed him to know
of the secret rendezvous across the world
through homosexual harbors
same-gender loving lakes
and gay oceans.
He wasn't privy to the crusade of my beloved and myself
But he insisted I'd tell him
Desperately he wanted to know.
FATHER
Son, what's wrong with you? You must tell me.
SON I can't tell you, Daddy. I can't talk about it.
FATHER Yes you can. You can tell me anything.
SON Not this.
FATHER Yes this. How else am I going to be there for you if you don't tell me?
SON
(Looking away, face lowered) It's okay. You don't have to.
FATHER But I want to.
SON
FATHER There is nothing in this world that a father doesn't know about his son.
SON Trust me, you don't know about this and I can't tell you.
FATHER Trust me. I've been hearing you cry and I can see your pain, and I know where it lies. Like I said, there is nothing in this world that I don't know about you son. Even the things you keep private—your relationships, your travels—I know them all. But you don't understand my connection to you. You don't have any inkling of how wide my love spans for you. Don't you know that my love is the expanse of the oceans, the same oceans that you crusade upon; the same oceans that you think I don't know of. Son, I only want to be there for you. I just need you to tell me what's wrong so that I can be your friend. Trust me, I already know.
My heart stopped in surprise
Obviously he knew
But how could he know of my crusade
and the oceans I travel?
How could he know?
Mixture of nervousness and relief fell upon me
Was he sincere or disingenuous?
Knowing my father, he was completely earnest
In that moment, courage filled my heart.
SON Daddy, I...I am—
FATHER It's okay son. You can tell me. I understand
.
SON
(Tearful face drooped away) I am...uhm...I'm gay, and uhm...Baron...well, see...all this time he was my lover and he broke up with me...and...uhm...that's why I'm so sad.
FATHER
(Comforting hand rubbing son's head,
wiping away his tears) I already knew that and I accepted it a long time ago. I just wanted you to break the ice and tell me so that I can be there for you. You're my son and you're all I have left. I'm here for you and I love you.
I ensconced myself
in Daddy's acceptance and embrace
as if diving in those oceans
so free
that once were a murky green
now a clear aquamarine blue
and I cried twenty-two years
of pain
of hiding
of shame
and affectation
that was no longer necessary
no longer required
to be loved.
And while I sailed on Daddy's love
I stood at the bow of his heart
as grey clouds parted ways for the forging sun
shining promise and healing
as the cold dirty waters of hopelessness
warmed to a clear blue of infinite possibilities
thwarting away the hypothermia of rejection
and feeling the perfect temperature of emancipation
succeed through my body and soul
liberating me with God winds anointing my face
as I cruised into a future of
acceptance
potential
and freedom
because my Daddy
became
my hero.
SHADOWS - THE STRENGTH
We hide behind shadows in daylight
night is our only refuge
plant our souls into the pavement
where trees grow tall
through concrete judgment
We blossom suppressed feelings
and fertilize them with pride
obliterating shame
Unlearning parental ideology
hoping they understand
when we don't bring home
the long legged babe of their dreams
My dreams are brimming with machismo
We no longer kiss the ground
with childhood knees
and pray for God to take the curse away
that shit ain't gonna happen
We search ourselves in God
not in societal validation
Just because your hormones move straight
doesn't mean our blood flows backward
Sexuality is hormonal
Why would our spirits chose to be discriminated?
Try being me for a day
hiding behind coded rainbows
speaking unheard tongues
in nightclub bar scenes
where freedom is imprisoned behind hapless walls
Try being johnny
he thought his mother's love
was a hand me down
she took it back
when she found out he was gay
gave it to charity
left his heart naked
and dead
after he put a bullet to his head
she didn't cry
used the Bible as her weapon
hell as her jury
and said the devil made him do it
she was right
the devil in her killed him
But the memory lives on in
Langston Hughes and James Baldwin
We store their wisdom in our ear drum
and play the beat
when we need the rhythm to fight hatred
We sprout new limbs
after you've severed our own
Filter your curse words
through God's ears to hear perfection
Inhale your insults and exhale compliments
to purify air
because malevolence is suffocating
We march in parades to Heaven
down streets paved with clouds
that no longer rain tears
fighting your judgment and brutality
that strikes like lightning
because you don't want us
to stand under the same tree
you seek shelter
but
God shelters all
heterosexual
homosexual
black
white
man
woman
child
and yes, there is room under that tree
for all nations
but you'd rather keep us
weeping under willows
I don't think so!
We only cry blood
for the blood you've shed
in the name of hatred
laugh because you've set them free
into next lifetimes
where there is only God's love
So we travel into those lifetimes
take pieces of that love
so pure
and bring it back here
to shift paradigms
hoping you get the point
We steal the devil's blindness
replace it with God's sight
Kiss in what you call, "improper places"
although kissing is proper
Shoulder the burden of pain
and carry formidability down the road
We write books
sing songs
build churches
in the spirit of equality
But still
We hide behind shadows in daylight
hoping
praying
knowing
that one day
we'll be
when the sun rises
instead of
when it sets
